A brief encounter of the third kind with a Socialist Wxxker Party Member

Fresher’s Fayre I felt like an serial murderer at an axe shop closing down sale. To the far left of me was the Socialist Worker’s Party and the Socialist Labour Party, to the far right of me was UKIP.

I couldn’t wait to have fun with the Socialist Worker’s Party bunch, I love pretending to confuse that they’re the Socialist Labour Party purely to cause offence. No we’re not the Socialist Labour lot exclaims an overexcited gentleman, we’re the Socialist Worker’s. A scene from Monty Python came flooding back, the People’s Judain Front and the People’s Front of Judaia.

Anyhow I was greeted with hi do you like change? Before I could even answer contentiously that I quite like things to be stationary he barked because if you do than you join our party, if you don’t like change then join another party. Which is just as well considering what my answer was actually going to be.

I informed this gentleman that I was in fact a Conservative Party member, to which he stood back as if I’d just informed a Parent Teacher Association that I was a paedophile wishing to become the new PE teacher. Well why are you with them, they’re there to take from the poor and give to the rich he exclaimed with such indignation one could only think bless his cotton socks. I retorted with well if we’re going to play that low level of debate you’re just there to take from the rich and give to the poor, surely socialists agree that stealing is stealing regardless of whether the stolen wallet is made from authentic leather or fake plastic. Which a mistake on my part as I immediately realised that I had assigned this gentleman with the role of being a modern day Robin Hood which somebody like him was all too happy to take on. Bless.

The Conservative Party are fascists and they’re openly homophobic he barks at me. I stopped him there. Sorry, homophobic? I ask feigning interest in his bizarre accusation. In my local constitutency I have eight members’ numbers on my phone, five of them are outrageously and openly gay and another is my girlfriend and the latter is our token hetero, so how can you accuse the party of being homophobic I ask. Well, they’d never give any positions to anyone who is openly gay he exclaims in a way that suggests he thinks he’s just moved his pawn to put me in check mate.

Actually, my good friend, one of them is a Chairman of a local constituency and have you not heard of Alan Duncan I replied moving my Queen (no pun intended) to knock his pawn off its feet.

Anyhow, next up was a discussion about worker’s rights. A touchy subject with me because my view is simple, that if you don’t like a job, naff off. Just as I did when working for the Civil Service. I could have inflicted petty strikes or stood outside with recycled cardboard banners, but I remembered that a) I have a life and prospects and b) to go on strike would be an insult to all those who are on a daily basis literally begging for work. In fact, I’m furious with the postal workers. I rely on my post for various things, at the moment I’m having to live on microwave pizzas because they still haven’t delivered my student loan letter. Whinge whinge whinge, worker’s rights. What happened to the right to actually do some work?

Can you believe it, he cries out, my friend who is coming to help on this stall was told by his boss that if he takes the day off to do this then he’ll be sacked!

I had to bite my sharp tongue to stop myself from saying and so he bloody should. He’s there to work, he’s employed to work and he’s paid to work. This is what frustrates me about the socialist workers’ unions, they’re like spoilt little kids who want and want some more.

Instead of campaigning for people who are forced to work in places where they are paid half the minimum wage they spend their time rabbling and striking about a mere hundred pounds annual wage increase. What an insult to those who actually genuinely need their crusaderous help, to go home having earnt £2 an hour, to switch on the tv and see how tube workers on hugely inflated salaries are going on strike because they don’t think forty-plus thousand a year isn’t enough for prodding a few buttons.

And that is precisely what the socialist workers’ unions and political organisations are, an insult to the real world. A bunch of fairy tale fantasists.